EXCLUSIVE fake INTERVIEW WITH MAGNUS CARLSEN

This week our team worked incredibly hard to secure an exclusive interview with the World Champion, Magnus Carlsen. Unfortunately, a powerful restraining order prevented our success. Anyway, it probably would’ve looked like this.

Interviewer: Hi Magnus, how’s life?

Magnus Carlsen: Let’s get this s*** over with.

Interviewer: Okay! You’re keen to get into it, I understand, you’re a busy guy. Let’s start with your recent WC match against Ian Nepomniachtchi. After winning the 6th game, everything seemed to go smoothly for you. Do you think things would’ve gone differently if you’d lost Game 6?

MC: Obviously.

Interviewer: Could you elaborate?

MC: I would’ve needed an extra game to win the match.

Interviewer: So you’re still confident you would’ve won anyway?

MC: Yes, of course.

Interviewer: Coolio. What lessons did you learn from the match?

MC: I learned how the horsey moves.

Interviewer: Nice. After the match, you stated that you’d lost motivation to defend the title of World Champion unless Alireza Firouzja was the next challenger.

MC: Correct.

Interviewer: Does this mean that if Anish Giri wins the Candidates, you’ll just hand him the title?

MC: <laughs in Norwegian>

Interviewer: Or Hikaru?

MC: Let’s keep it serious. I’ll consider my options after the Candidates. I’m looking for a new challenge and after winning everything in chess, there just aren’t many left.

Interviewer: There’s one tournament you haven’t won…

MC: My manager told you I’m not discussing that.

Interviewer: Okay, fair enough, but our readers really want to know…

MC: <interrupts> I’ll end this interview right now.

Interviewer: Fine, fine. Let’s get back to future challenges. With Abdusattorov winning the World Rapid Championship and Arjun Erigaisi’s recent rise, the new generation looks very strong. Are you keen to face them?

MC: They’re not Alireza?

Interviewer: Good point. What does your tournament schedule look like?

MC: I’ll be playing in the online Meltwater Champions Chess Tour and Norway Chess.

Interviewer: Only one over-the-board event planned? Maybe you’d like to play in Swe…

MC: <interrupts again> Last chance. I am not discussing that tournament.

Interviewer: Okay, okay, okay. One final question then, from one of our readers.

MC: Make it quick. <Magnus taps his wrist. He is not wearing a watch.>

Interviewer: Mr Ygdod asked: Dear GM Carlsen. You’ve achieved everything there is to achieve in chess, the highest titles, the highest ratings, defeated all of your rivals convincingly…

MC: Yeah yeah, get to it.

Interviewer: …does it infuriate you that only Anish Giri has won the most Prestigious Tournament in chess (twice)?

MC: Okay I’m out. Don’t contact me again. And I could win it if I wanted to I just don’t want to okay??? <Magnus storms out of the room, swearing in Norwegian>

The Prestigious MrDodgy Invitational 3.0 will take place later this year.

Magnus’s participation has yet to be confirmed.