The chess world has been shaken to its core today, with the shocking revelation that nobody actually knows the rules. Recent cheating accusations amongst top players unraveled one of the grand conspiracies of our time - everyone is cheating at chess.
Magnus Carlsen started the ball rolling by refusing to play Hans Niemann in the Generations Cup but in the post-game interview, he came clean. “I just couldn’t keep up the lie,” he confessed “my Dad tried to teach me when I was a kid but the only piece I could understand was the rook. It goes sideways, right?”
Other players soon came forward with their own tales:
Ian Nepomniachtchi, the 2021 and 2023 World Championship Challenger admitted “But okay I tried to learn the rules, okay, but, the horse, man. What is up with that? But okay, it simply makes no sense. An L-shape? Crazy”.
On his new podcast, 2018 WC challenger Fabiano Caruana had this to say:
“I’d heard rumours that nobody could play at all but I didn’t put much stock in it. I didn’t want to believe the truth. To be honest, I thought it was just paranoia but these revelations are very shocking to me. Personally speaking, I can actually play chess, and I am over 1100 on chess.com”.
FIDE was forced to leap into action with a powerful statement by President Dvorkovich.
“FIDE has been at the forefront of teaching people to play chess and we require greater cooperation with the top players to teach them how the horsey moves and also en passant. We are willing to form a committee to assess the impact of nobody knowing how to play our Royal Game and whether this will affect lucrative sponsorships”.
Some of these quotes may be paraphrased, please don't sue me.
"What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
But okay